Merry Christmas

I know it’s a little early but Merry Christmas Mom and Grandpa. You are two of the most important people in my life and it kills me to have to miss you this much. Grandpa, we’ve spent a Christmas without you and it was very tough. I didn’t get to buy you your handkerchiefs, socks, and old spice- I miss doing that. This year will no doubt be hard without you, however my grief for you will be overpowered by my grief for Mom. I don’t even know how Christmas is going to play out this year but it certainly won’t be a “Merry” one for us. Christmas is ALWAYS Christmas day at Mom and Dad’s but this year it’s too hard for Dad so we’re going to have it at Vanessa’s. We’ve got lots of gifts for the grandkids so hopefully that will keep us from getting too down, seeing their excitement. Mom, I just miss you so much and this is not how I thought life would turn out for us. I just imagined us spending every Christmas together, you in your own heaven with your many grandkids- not in a literal heaven. I didn’t think with two of your grandkids celebrating their first Christmas that we would be here. I know you didn’t either because when we watched the video from last Christmas you made sure to tell us all to return our stockings so you could fill them up next year. I saw the most perfect gift for you this year and it caused me to embarrass myself in a store because knowing I didn’t have you here to give it to made me break down in that crowded store. I wish we all could fast forward to Sunday and we just don’t have to deal with Saturday at all, that way we won’t have to struggle through Christmas without you. Better yet let’s just rewind to a time when we had you here! Mom, I know we have to more forward and live on without you but it’s so hard to move forward when my grief is like an anchor holding me here in this state of missing you. I guess this year we’ll have to make a new tradition with you on Christmas, maybe go out to your grave and sing you some carols. I just miss you so much. I love you Mom! And I love you too Grandpa!