Habit

Grandpa,

Having you in my life for 28 years became so normal that I sometimes catch myself doing or saying things before a realize that you aren't here anymore. Some recent examples are.....

Shorty had her wedding shower and I was passing out cake to her guests. I had already packed up a piece of cake to take to dad and one for Aunt Lisa to take home to Uncle Doug. I went over to the table where grandma was and I stopped myself before I said the full sentence that started to come out. Out of habit I was about to ask grandma if she wanted me to wrap up a piece of cake so she could take it home to you. All that came out was "Grandma, do you...." and then I stopped because I realized what I was about to say. I played it off because had I not caught myself I'm pretty sure that it would have really upset grandma.

The other night I was writing out our list of people we are buying Christmas for so that we can determine our Christmas budget. Out of habit I wrote your name on the list and didn't think anything of it. As I was reading through the list again to come up with an amount to spend for each person I realized that I had written your name down. This made me upset because I already know that this will be our first Christmas without you, but I guess it made it real to have to cross you off the list. I won't get to get you your Old Spice, shaving set, socks, and handkerchiefs like every other year. You always knew what you were getting but we still wrapped it, you asked for what you needed and it was the same thing every year.

When I catch myself doing these things I think it's silly, like I shouldn't be so dumb to make these mistakes. You are gone and I know this. But then again sometimes I feel like I could walk into your house and there you'll be sitting in your recliner telling me to come over and give you a kiss as soon as I step foot in the door.