To Mom:

- The call was such a shock, news I couldn't comprehend.

- With the drive I knew I couldn't get to you before your life came to an end.

- I knew the news before I got to you but I still didn't believe it.

- The car seems to be going slow motion, all I could do was cry and sit.

- To see it with my own eyes was a knife straight to my chest.

- In my most demented dreams I could have never fathomed in my twenties is when I would lay my Mom to rest.

- But there you were just laying, lifeless in that ER.

- Tubes coming out of you, swollen, clotheless and in that moment I wanted to be where you are.
- I just kept thinking I can't do this, what the hell am I supposed to do?

- Because in sadness I need your comfort and now my saddness is for you.

- What about Dad, what about your daughters, and all your grandchildren too?

- Serioulsy, how are we supposed to do this, how do we carry on without you?

- This pain is something that can't be described, literally nothing I've ever felt.

- I feel lost, I feel so helpless; someone mentions you and I melt.

- My only regret is that on that day I didn't say goodbye.

- So consumed with what I was feeling that it was tears of anger I cried.

- But I do not have to question love, you knew that I loved you, even if you didn't hear it this day.

- Because I never went without telling you whether on the phone or face to face.

- I'm hoping one day, some day I can think of you and smile.

- I know that it's not now though- it will take a little while.

- There are so many things I want to tel you still, so many things that you will miss.

- How I'll never feel your hug again and how my shoulder you would kiss.

- Most of all I want to thank you for loving me so much.

- You were the definition of Mom in everything you did, said, and touched.

- You gave me life, you are my momma, I see you looking at my own face.

- And my heart will be forever broken because you can never be replaced.

Where you are......

Mom-

I'm not sure where you are but I hope that you are happy. I hope that you can see me; I hope that you are proud of how we are taking care of Dad. I hope that you are with Grandpa and the rest of your family. They say that where you are is a place with no pain and I hope this is true. Where I am is a place with pain, I'm in a place with tremendous pain. My heart is aching and I can't get it to stop. I miss you, I need you here. I need to be able to call you three times a week or whenever else I need you. I can't believe that you didn't live to see my 30th birthday. I need my son to remember his Mimi. I need my newest nephews to spend their first Christmas with you. I need my Dad to stop crying, I need our lives to be normal. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I don't want to do this. I shouldn't have to miss you, you should be here. I shouldn't have to be this angry and question everything. I shouldn't have to cry myself to sleep at night. I shouldn't have to, damn it I shouldn't have to.........this is too soon.

Grandpa,

Last Sunday Mom joined you where you are. It was shocking and unexpected, I'm not sure she even knows what happened to her. I was just writing to tell you I miss you and to look for Mom. Since you're both together I'm going to write to you both on here. I love you!