To Mom:

- The call was such a shock, news I couldn't comprehend.

- With the drive I knew I couldn't get to you before your life came to an end.

- I knew the news before I got to you but I still didn't believe it.

- The car seems to be going slow motion, all I could do was cry and sit.

- To see it with my own eyes was a knife straight to my chest.

- In my most demented dreams I could have never fathomed in my twenties is when I would lay my Mom to rest.

- But there you were just laying, lifeless in that ER.

- Tubes coming out of you, swollen, clotheless and in that moment I wanted to be where you are.
- I just kept thinking I can't do this, what the hell am I supposed to do?

- Because in sadness I need your comfort and now my saddness is for you.

- What about Dad, what about your daughters, and all your grandchildren too?

- Serioulsy, how are we supposed to do this, how do we carry on without you?

- This pain is something that can't be described, literally nothing I've ever felt.

- I feel lost, I feel so helpless; someone mentions you and I melt.

- My only regret is that on that day I didn't say goodbye.

- So consumed with what I was feeling that it was tears of anger I cried.

- But I do not have to question love, you knew that I loved you, even if you didn't hear it this day.

- Because I never went without telling you whether on the phone or face to face.

- I'm hoping one day, some day I can think of you and smile.

- I know that it's not now though- it will take a little while.

- There are so many things I want to tel you still, so many things that you will miss.

- How I'll never feel your hug again and how my shoulder you would kiss.

- Most of all I want to thank you for loving me so much.

- You were the definition of Mom in everything you did, said, and touched.

- You gave me life, you are my momma, I see you looking at my own face.

- And my heart will be forever broken because you can never be replaced.

Where you are......

Mom-

I'm not sure where you are but I hope that you are happy. I hope that you can see me; I hope that you are proud of how we are taking care of Dad. I hope that you are with Grandpa and the rest of your family. They say that where you are is a place with no pain and I hope this is true. Where I am is a place with pain, I'm in a place with tremendous pain. My heart is aching and I can't get it to stop. I miss you, I need you here. I need to be able to call you three times a week or whenever else I need you. I can't believe that you didn't live to see my 30th birthday. I need my son to remember his Mimi. I need my newest nephews to spend their first Christmas with you. I need my Dad to stop crying, I need our lives to be normal. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I don't want to do this. I shouldn't have to miss you, you should be here. I shouldn't have to be this angry and question everything. I shouldn't have to cry myself to sleep at night. I shouldn't have to, damn it I shouldn't have to.........this is too soon.

Grandpa,

Last Sunday Mom joined you where you are. It was shocking and unexpected, I'm not sure she even knows what happened to her. I was just writing to tell you I miss you and to look for Mom. Since you're both together I'm going to write to you both on here. I love you!

ONE

ONE year ago we lost you.
ONE year ago we said our goodbyes.
ONE year ago my heart was completely broken.
ONE year ago was the day we all cried.
ONE year ago my grandmother was shattered.
ONE year ago I saw my family's pain.
ONE year ago we were sitting in your small home.
ONE year ago in your chair you laid.
ONE year ago we all sobbed for you.
ONE year ago you took your last breath.
ONE year ago marks a horrible day.
ONE year ago was the day of your death.
ONE year ago my life changed forever.
TODAY remembering ONE year ago my heart breaks all over again.

Vanessa's Wedding

Again.......you were missed!

Thinking of you :)

Grandpa,

I have been missing you so much lately. I was to the point to where if I heard a song on the radio that reminded me of you I would enjoy it, but specifically this week they've been making me sad. I heard a country song where it said something about an old man in a hospital bed and it made me angry. Angry due to the fact that it made me think of you that way, thinking of you so sick in the hospital and at home. I try to push my memories of you being sick out of my mind. I want to remember you when you were well because to picture you sick again breaks my heart. I want to remember you as my loving, adorable grandpa who would laugh at his own jokes. Grief seems to be this roller coaster that you ride up and down, so I guess I'm just a little down at the moment.

I love you and I miss you,

Sis

Shorty's wedding

We missed you this day!