Letting it all out:

Mom- I'm missing you more than ever right now! It's almost been a month since we lost you and so far the pain hasn't gotten any better. Today is my birthday and all I can think about is that you didn't live to see my 30th birthday and how messed up that is. From August on you would tell anyone you saw "this is my oldest baby, she turns 30 this year." I took this as you being a proud Momma but I also had to give you a little crap about it because that's what we do. So when I would tell you "well you having a kid that's 30 makes you old" and you would say "I don't feel old, you're the one who's turning 30." Just goofy stuff like that I miss.

Still dealing with my grief of losing you I am now dealing with the heartbreak of having a miscarriage. I can't tell you how crushed I am because we've been trying for a while to make Nate a sibling. I don't know what to do here, I don't know how to process this and you are the person I would go to. I feel even more lost because I can't turn to you anymore. I know I can still talk to you but you can't talk to me. This is exactly why I still need you! This shitty thing has happened to me and I need you to help me make sense of it, but I'm still trying to make sense of why you're not here for me when I really need you. I just miss you so much!

(For Mom)

I never once took you for granted and you know exactly how I felt about you, I think you were (and still are) amazing. But the saying "you don't know what you've got till it's gone" still applies here. I guess I took for granted that I had you and foolishly thought it would be a long time until I lost you. Now that you're not here I am constantly noticing these holes that were once filled by you and that's what's tough. The simple day to day things like wanting to call you because Nate said something funny, calling to tell you about a neat craft idea I found online, telling you about a new recipe I tried, or calling just to see how your day was.

I just think if it's this hard for me missing you in my daily life then I can't even imagine how painful it is for Dad. For 33 years you were his girl, his one and only, the mother of his children. And to in a single evening have to lose you and come home to an empty house, empty bed, and empty life without you has got to be ten times more painful than what I am feeling. There is no way to compare the two grief situations, we can only be there for Dad but we can't relate to what he's feeling. Being married myself I love Greg in a completely different way. Us girls are mourning the loss of our mother, the most important woman in our lives, our friend, and our role model. Dad is grieving the loss of his partner and I'm so incredibly sad that he has to feel this pain.

Damn it Mom! Why you? Why us? Why now? Why when your grandchildren are too young to remember you and how much you loved them? Fifty-one years isn't a short life by any means but it wasn't long enough for us! Now I have (probably) fifty some years left to live my life without you.

Mom-

Nate is completely breaking my heart because being two he doesn't understand what's happened to you. He knows that he can't see Mimi but doesn't understand why he can't. He's been talking about Ethan all week and so this morning on my way to drop him off I told him that he gets to see Ethy tomorrow. He got very excited and I was telling him everyone else we were going to see. I told him that he gets to see Papaw tomorrow and he said "oh yay Papaw and Mimi, Mimi hold me!" I told him that Mimi can't hold him and that Mimi won't be there when we go visit anymore, just Papaw. He got so upset (probably because I was crying upset), he was crying saying "No I want Mimi hold me." Then he asked "Momma why Mimi sleepy? When her wake up?"

I don't know what to say to him and I'm angry that I have to try to. I'm so angry that I see my little boy's heart break because he doesn't understand why he can't have his Mimi. Sure he loves his Papaw but Ethan is Papaw's sidekick and Nate was always a Mimi's boy. I remember how tickled you would get each time you saw him because Dad would say "come to Papaw" and he'd run straight to you. I don't want to not talk about you because I don't want Nate to forget you but it's too hard for me when he asks this stuff. See this is the kind of thing I still need you for, you were my go to when I had Mom questions.

I miss you so much! Give Grandpa a big hug from me. I love you both.