Letting it all out:

Mom- I'm missing you more than ever right now! It's almost been a month since we lost you and so far the pain hasn't gotten any better. Today is my birthday and all I can think about is that you didn't live to see my 30th birthday and how messed up that is. From August on you would tell anyone you saw "this is my oldest baby, she turns 30 this year." I took this as you being a proud Momma but I also had to give you a little crap about it because that's what we do. So when I would tell you "well you having a kid that's 30 makes you old" and you would say "I don't feel old, you're the one who's turning 30." Just goofy stuff like that I miss.

Still dealing with my grief of losing you I am now dealing with the heartbreak of having a miscarriage. I can't tell you how crushed I am because we've been trying for a while to make Nate a sibling. I don't know what to do here, I don't know how to process this and you are the person I would go to. I feel even more lost because I can't turn to you anymore. I know I can still talk to you but you can't talk to me. This is exactly why I still need you! This shitty thing has happened to me and I need you to help me make sense of it, but I'm still trying to make sense of why you're not here for me when I really need you. I just miss you so much!