Thursday, December 23, 2010
Merry Christmas
I know it’s a little early but Merry Christmas Mom and Grandpa. You are two of the most important people in my life and it kills me to have to miss you this much. Grandpa, we’ve spent a Christmas without you and it was very tough. I didn’t get to buy you your handkerchiefs, socks, and old spice- I miss doing that. This year will no doubt be hard without you, however my grief for you will be overpowered by my grief for Mom. I don’t even know how Christmas is going to play out this year but it certainly won’t be a “Merry” one for us. Christmas is ALWAYS Christmas day at Mom and Dad’s but this year it’s too hard for Dad so we’re going to have it at Vanessa’s. We’ve got lots of gifts for the grandkids so hopefully that will keep us from getting too down, seeing their excitement. Mom, I just miss you so much and this is not how I thought life would turn out for us. I just imagined us spending every Christmas together, you in your own heaven with your many grandkids- not in a literal heaven. I didn’t think with two of your grandkids celebrating their first Christmas that we would be here. I know you didn’t either because when we watched the video from last Christmas you made sure to tell us all to return our stockings so you could fill them up next year. I saw the most perfect gift for you this year and it caused me to embarrass myself in a store because knowing I didn’t have you here to give it to made me break down in that crowded store. I wish we all could fast forward to Sunday and we just don’t have to deal with Saturday at all, that way we won’t have to struggle through Christmas without you. Better yet let’s just rewind to a time when we had you here! Mom, I know we have to more forward and live on without you but it’s so hard to move forward when my grief is like an anchor holding me here in this state of missing you. I guess this year we’ll have to make a new tradition with you on Christmas, maybe go out to your grave and sing you some carols. I just miss you so much. I love you Mom! And I love you too Grandpa!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Letting it all out:
Mom- I'm missing you more than ever right now! It's almost been a month since we lost you and so far the pain hasn't gotten any better. Today is my birthday and all I can think about is that you didn't live to see my 30th birthday and how messed up that is. From August on you would tell anyone you saw "this is my oldest baby, she turns 30 this year." I took this as you being a proud Momma but I also had to give you a little crap about it because that's what we do. So when I would tell you "well you having a kid that's 30 makes you old" and you would say "I don't feel old, you're the one who's turning 30." Just goofy stuff like that I miss.
Still dealing with my grief of losing you I am now dealing with the heartbreak of having a miscarriage. I can't tell you how crushed I am because we've been trying for a while to make Nate a sibling. I don't know what to do here, I don't know how to process this and you are the person I would go to. I feel even more lost because I can't turn to you anymore. I know I can still talk to you but you can't talk to me. This is exactly why I still need you! This shitty thing has happened to me and I need you to help me make sense of it, but I'm still trying to make sense of why you're not here for me when I really need you. I just miss you so much!
Still dealing with my grief of losing you I am now dealing with the heartbreak of having a miscarriage. I can't tell you how crushed I am because we've been trying for a while to make Nate a sibling. I don't know what to do here, I don't know how to process this and you are the person I would go to. I feel even more lost because I can't turn to you anymore. I know I can still talk to you but you can't talk to me. This is exactly why I still need you! This shitty thing has happened to me and I need you to help me make sense of it, but I'm still trying to make sense of why you're not here for me when I really need you. I just miss you so much!
Friday, October 8, 2010
(For Mom)
I never once took you for granted and you know exactly how I felt about you, I think you were (and still are) amazing. But the saying "you don't know what you've got till it's gone" still applies here. I guess I took for granted that I had you and foolishly thought it would be a long time until I lost you. Now that you're not here I am constantly noticing these holes that were once filled by you and that's what's tough. The simple day to day things like wanting to call you because Nate said something funny, calling to tell you about a neat craft idea I found online, telling you about a new recipe I tried, or calling just to see how your day was.
I just think if it's this hard for me missing you in my daily life then I can't even imagine how painful it is for Dad. For 33 years you were his girl, his one and only, the mother of his children. And to in a single evening have to lose you and come home to an empty house, empty bed, and empty life without you has got to be ten times more painful than what I am feeling. There is no way to compare the two grief situations, we can only be there for Dad but we can't relate to what he's feeling. Being married myself I love Greg in a completely different way. Us girls are mourning the loss of our mother, the most important woman in our lives, our friend, and our role model. Dad is grieving the loss of his partner and I'm so incredibly sad that he has to feel this pain.
Damn it Mom! Why you? Why us? Why now? Why when your grandchildren are too young to remember you and how much you loved them? Fifty-one years isn't a short life by any means but it wasn't long enough for us! Now I have (probably) fifty some years left to live my life without you.
I just think if it's this hard for me missing you in my daily life then I can't even imagine how painful it is for Dad. For 33 years you were his girl, his one and only, the mother of his children. And to in a single evening have to lose you and come home to an empty house, empty bed, and empty life without you has got to be ten times more painful than what I am feeling. There is no way to compare the two grief situations, we can only be there for Dad but we can't relate to what he's feeling. Being married myself I love Greg in a completely different way. Us girls are mourning the loss of our mother, the most important woman in our lives, our friend, and our role model. Dad is grieving the loss of his partner and I'm so incredibly sad that he has to feel this pain.
Damn it Mom! Why you? Why us? Why now? Why when your grandchildren are too young to remember you and how much you loved them? Fifty-one years isn't a short life by any means but it wasn't long enough for us! Now I have (probably) fifty some years left to live my life without you.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Mom-
Nate is completely breaking my heart because being two he doesn't understand what's happened to you. He knows that he can't see Mimi but doesn't understand why he can't. He's been talking about Ethan all week and so this morning on my way to drop him off I told him that he gets to see Ethy tomorrow. He got very excited and I was telling him everyone else we were going to see. I told him that he gets to see Papaw tomorrow and he said "oh yay Papaw and Mimi, Mimi hold me!" I told him that Mimi can't hold him and that Mimi won't be there when we go visit anymore, just Papaw. He got so upset (probably because I was crying upset), he was crying saying "No I want Mimi hold me." Then he asked "Momma why Mimi sleepy? When her wake up?"
I don't know what to say to him and I'm angry that I have to try to. I'm so angry that I see my little boy's heart break because he doesn't understand why he can't have his Mimi. Sure he loves his Papaw but Ethan is Papaw's sidekick and Nate was always a Mimi's boy. I remember how tickled you would get each time you saw him because Dad would say "come to Papaw" and he'd run straight to you. I don't want to not talk about you because I don't want Nate to forget you but it's too hard for me when he asks this stuff. See this is the kind of thing I still need you for, you were my go to when I had Mom questions.
I miss you so much! Give Grandpa a big hug from me. I love you both.
Nate is completely breaking my heart because being two he doesn't understand what's happened to you. He knows that he can't see Mimi but doesn't understand why he can't. He's been talking about Ethan all week and so this morning on my way to drop him off I told him that he gets to see Ethy tomorrow. He got very excited and I was telling him everyone else we were going to see. I told him that he gets to see Papaw tomorrow and he said "oh yay Papaw and Mimi, Mimi hold me!" I told him that Mimi can't hold him and that Mimi won't be there when we go visit anymore, just Papaw. He got so upset (probably because I was crying upset), he was crying saying "No I want Mimi hold me." Then he asked "Momma why Mimi sleepy? When her wake up?"
I don't know what to say to him and I'm angry that I have to try to. I'm so angry that I see my little boy's heart break because he doesn't understand why he can't have his Mimi. Sure he loves his Papaw but Ethan is Papaw's sidekick and Nate was always a Mimi's boy. I remember how tickled you would get each time you saw him because Dad would say "come to Papaw" and he'd run straight to you. I don't want to not talk about you because I don't want Nate to forget you but it's too hard for me when he asks this stuff. See this is the kind of thing I still need you for, you were my go to when I had Mom questions.
I miss you so much! Give Grandpa a big hug from me. I love you both.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
To Mom:
- The call was such a shock, news I couldn't comprehend.
- With the drive I knew I couldn't get to you before your life came to an end.
- I knew the news before I got to you but I still didn't believe it.
- The car seems to be going slow motion, all I could do was cry and sit.
- To see it with my own eyes was a knife straight to my chest.
- In my most demented dreams I could have never fathomed in my twenties is when I would lay my Mom to rest.
- But there you were just laying, lifeless in that ER.
- Tubes coming out of you, swollen, clotheless and in that moment I wanted to be where you are.
- I just kept thinking I can't do this, what the hell am I supposed to do?
- Because in sadness I need your comfort and now my saddness is for you.
- What about Dad, what about your daughters, and all your grandchildren too?
- Serioulsy, how are we supposed to do this, how do we carry on without you?
- This pain is something that can't be described, literally nothing I've ever felt.
- I feel lost, I feel so helpless; someone mentions you and I melt.
- My only regret is that on that day I didn't say goodbye.
- So consumed with what I was feeling that it was tears of anger I cried.
- But I do not have to question love, you knew that I loved you, even if you didn't hear it this day.
- Because I never went without telling you whether on the phone or face to face.
- I'm hoping one day, some day I can think of you and smile.
- I know that it's not now though- it will take a little while.
- There are so many things I want to tel you still, so many things that you will miss.
- How I'll never feel your hug again and how my shoulder you would kiss.
- Most of all I want to thank you for loving me so much.
- You were the definition of Mom in everything you did, said, and touched.
- You gave me life, you are my momma, I see you looking at my own face.
- And my heart will be forever broken because you can never be replaced.
- With the drive I knew I couldn't get to you before your life came to an end.
- I knew the news before I got to you but I still didn't believe it.
- The car seems to be going slow motion, all I could do was cry and sit.
- To see it with my own eyes was a knife straight to my chest.
- In my most demented dreams I could have never fathomed in my twenties is when I would lay my Mom to rest.
- But there you were just laying, lifeless in that ER.
- Tubes coming out of you, swollen, clotheless and in that moment I wanted to be where you are.
- I just kept thinking I can't do this, what the hell am I supposed to do?
- Because in sadness I need your comfort and now my saddness is for you.
- What about Dad, what about your daughters, and all your grandchildren too?
- Serioulsy, how are we supposed to do this, how do we carry on without you?
- This pain is something that can't be described, literally nothing I've ever felt.
- I feel lost, I feel so helpless; someone mentions you and I melt.
- My only regret is that on that day I didn't say goodbye.
- So consumed with what I was feeling that it was tears of anger I cried.
- But I do not have to question love, you knew that I loved you, even if you didn't hear it this day.
- Because I never went without telling you whether on the phone or face to face.
- I'm hoping one day, some day I can think of you and smile.
- I know that it's not now though- it will take a little while.
- There are so many things I want to tel you still, so many things that you will miss.
- How I'll never feel your hug again and how my shoulder you would kiss.
- Most of all I want to thank you for loving me so much.
- You were the definition of Mom in everything you did, said, and touched.
- You gave me life, you are my momma, I see you looking at my own face.
- And my heart will be forever broken because you can never be replaced.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Where you are......
Mom-
I'm not sure where you are but I hope that you are happy. I hope that you can see me; I hope that you are proud of how we are taking care of Dad. I hope that you are with Grandpa and the rest of your family. They say that where you are is a place with no pain and I hope this is true. Where I am is a place with pain, I'm in a place with tremendous pain. My heart is aching and I can't get it to stop. I miss you, I need you here. I need to be able to call you three times a week or whenever else I need you. I can't believe that you didn't live to see my 30th birthday. I need my son to remember his Mimi. I need my newest nephews to spend their first Christmas with you. I need my Dad to stop crying, I need our lives to be normal. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I don't want to do this. I shouldn't have to miss you, you should be here. I shouldn't have to be this angry and question everything. I shouldn't have to cry myself to sleep at night. I shouldn't have to, damn it I shouldn't have to.........this is too soon.
I'm not sure where you are but I hope that you are happy. I hope that you can see me; I hope that you are proud of how we are taking care of Dad. I hope that you are with Grandpa and the rest of your family. They say that where you are is a place with no pain and I hope this is true. Where I am is a place with pain, I'm in a place with tremendous pain. My heart is aching and I can't get it to stop. I miss you, I need you here. I need to be able to call you three times a week or whenever else I need you. I can't believe that you didn't live to see my 30th birthday. I need my son to remember his Mimi. I need my newest nephews to spend their first Christmas with you. I need my Dad to stop crying, I need our lives to be normal. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I don't want to do this. I shouldn't have to miss you, you should be here. I shouldn't have to be this angry and question everything. I shouldn't have to cry myself to sleep at night. I shouldn't have to, damn it I shouldn't have to.........this is too soon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)