Happy Birthday Nathaniel......

Grandpa,

Today is Nathaniel's 1st birthday and while I'm happy, this day is bittersweet for a couple of reasons. One of those reasons being that you are not here to enjoy it with us. I'm just thinking about how fun it would be to have you at his party and how I know you thought the world of your great-grandson. I remember how goofy you were at Ethan's 1st birthday party.....there were all the little kids wearing their birthday hats and you with one on too. ................I was hoping to have a fun memory like that of Nathaniel's party.


I remember how anxious you were to see Nathaniel for the first time. He was three weeks old when you first got to hold him, we had came into town for Relay for Life. You had to hold him for a specific amount of time because you said he needed to get used to you and know your smell so that he would know who you were. The moment you got to hold him you were crazy about him, you said he looked just like his daddy.

Since you didn't get to see Nathaniel as much as you'd like to we called you and grandma at least one a week so you could hear him. I'd put the phone up to his ear and he'd just grin when he heard your voice. You would always want me to get him giggling because you loved hearing his laugh. Anytime we would come to Winchester for a visit you would patiently wait your turn to hold him, but when you got him you weren't going to give him up to anyone. Nathaniel loved his great-grandpa Geesy snuggles, I guess it was comforting to him because he would just cuddle up with you and most of the time would fall asleep.

The last picture I have of you and Nathaniel was taken two weeks before you died. You can tell by the big smile on his face that he loved his papaw Goose! You were trying to smile, but you just didn't have the energy. You went to the hospital that next week and when we came to visit you, you got to hold Nathaniel for the last time. He was so good that day, just smiling at you, giving you cuddles, he was laughing out loud like you loved. You would be so proud of Nathaniel now. He's a year old today and getting so big. He's talking more and more and is starting to walk, he's taken three steps.

I wish you were here so that we could create more memories like the ones I cherish now. But, wanting you here is for my own selfish reasons because I'm not strong enough dealing with the grief. You are in a better place now and no longer sick, to want you here in that state would be extremely selfish on my part. You are gone, life goes on but there is always the want and what ifs that hold you back. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm ok without you, but I would much rather have you here. I am missing you today....I love you so much!

Here is Nathaniel's one year picture......I wanted you to see it.

Letter

This is a letter that I wrote to grandpa about a week after he passed. I thought I would post it on here.

Dear grandpa,

Losing you was not easy and not having you around has definitely affected every member of our family. We are such a close family and you were there for everything. A few months back when mom called to tell me you were in the hospital I was shocked because with the exception of your asthma you had always been so well and able to care for you and my little Bess. Those days with you the ICU I prayed that God would keep you here with us because we were not ready to let you go.

After a week in the hospital you seemed to be doing better and were released to the rehab facility. Once you recovered from there and were sent home my nerves calmed because I thought we got through this little scare and now everything is going to go back to normal again. But, we both know that was not the case. Mom called to say that you were back in the hospital again, but as long as you could get rid of that damn pneumonia you would make a full recovery.

I'm so glad that Greg, Nate, and I came to visit you in the hospital that Sunday night because this was the last time I spoke with you in person. I just remember me sitting on your bed holding your hand and playing with the skin on your fingers like I've done since I was little. You got to hold your newest great-grandchild Nate for the last time that night and he really put on a show for you giving you the big smiles. I remember you getting on to the nurses to "get grandma some damn blankets so she can rest," even sick and in the hospital you still were making sure your Bess was taken care of. When we left the hospital that night I think I gave you the biggest hug I've ever given you because I though if this is the last one I get to give to you I better make it count, I just couldn't let go. I'm sure I told you that I loved you at least 10 times within that one hug. I didn't let you see me cry but, my little secret I can share with you now is that I cried most of the way home. I told Greg that I've spent 28 years of having you around and I couldn't imagine going home for a visit without being able to stop by and see you, that's me being selfish I guess.

When they sent you home for the last time with the doctor telling us you weren't going to get any better I was sick. Then that was followed with days of emotional torture as mom would call and say "Grandpa is not doing well he had a bad night, Grandpa is unresponsive, he had quite a breathing spell, now Grandpa is fine he's watching TV eating spaghetti." I can tell you I thought I was going to have a stroke. On Thursday February 5th when mom called and said you weren't doing well I didn't really believe her because I figured well ok she'll call back in 20 minutes and say you were eating spaghetti again. But, that was not the case this time instead I got a text from mom "YOU MIGHT WANT TO COME HOME". My heart stopped because I knew it was real this time. As I rushed to get Greg and pack a bag for Nate my phone rang and it was Johna telling me that you had just passed. At that moment my heart sank and my mind flashed with all the memories we shared. As the tears rolled down my face I remembered you and I dancing at my wedding and I just lost it.

In a mad dash to get to Winchester even though it was too late we finally got there. There was our whole family, your little house full of everyone that loved you. The funeral home hadn't picked you up yet and you were still lying in your recliner chair. I went up to you and gave you a kiss on the forehead and told you I loved you. I also rubbed your head knowing it was the one time I could do so without get scolded, you hated your hair being messed with.

Your funeral was one of my hardest days emotionally, I could not compose myself. Grandma made sure they played your favorite, Old Rugged Cross by George Jones it was really nice. Don't you worry about your little Bess she is being taken care of. I miss you so much and I hurt for my Bess because now that I'm married and have a family I know what it's like to have that love and attachment to someone. I can understand how hard it would be to loose the person you've created children and a lifetime of memories with. I know it must break her heart to now have to live in the home you once shared, alone. She spent 58 years with you by her side as her husband and I know it won't be easy by any means, but the love of her family that you made sure was strong will help her get through this.

I love you so much grandpa and you will have a place in my heart forever. I miss you and I will keep your memory alive and share with Nate how you thought the world of him or as your would say "he is really something, I love that little man of yours." Thank you for making Greg feel so welcome into the family he really misses you too; you were his grandpa for going on 8 years now.
Thank you for your love my grandpa Goose! You are greatly missed and I hope that one day I can think of you without crying.

In loving memory of Floyd Geesy.
July 9, 1930 - February 5, 2009

Thinking of you today....

Today is a beautiful day outside, I wish you could see it. I bet if you were here you and grandma would be out on the front porch swing enjoying the day. I wish you were here to take a walk holding grandma's hand. I always found it adorable that you two would still walk hand in hand after over fifty years of marriage. I would tear up every time I'd see you two like that, still so much in love.

I still miss you so much. I know that grandparents pass and it's something we all have to deal with, but I had you around for so long I was naive in thinking you would always be around. I take comfort in knowing that you had a long and wonderful life filled with people that love you, but that doesn't make this hurt any less. My constant sadness has subsided and now it's just little things that get me upset. Before I would cry if grandma didn't pick up the phone and I heard you on the machine, but now I like it when the machine picks up because getting to hear your voice again makes me smile.

I'm sorry I haven't been to visit you much, but it's just to hard for me. It's painful to see your name engraved on a tombstone and to know that your body is resting below. I know you are always with me and that I don’t have to go to the cemetery to talk to you, this blog is my way of sharing my feelings with you. I love you and I'll always miss you.

~Sis~

Ballpark memories..........

As the weather begins to warm up I know it's that time of year again, softball season. Dad had a game the other night and when I talked to mom she said she was on her way to pick up granny Bess because she wanted to watch dad play. I remember you and granny Bess always at the ball park. Whether it was dad, one of your grandkids, or great-grandkids you would never miss a game. Most of the time you had to park along the fence with your air on in the car because it was too hot for you to be outside with your asthma. I remember leaning into the driver's side window of your car and giving you a kiss. If I forgot and tried to walk past you I'd hear "hey you aren't you gonna give your grandpa a kiss young lady?!" I remember how you would tell grandma when someone scored a run because she had her little notepad keeping track of the score. I still don't know why you did that, that's what a scoreboard is for goofy! The last time I was at one of dad's games which was last year I sat in the car with you and grandma. I had Nathaniel and he was too little to be in the hot sun that day.

I miss you so much papaw Goose, but I'm so lucky to have all of these memories of you. I hope that wherever you are you're healthy with a brand new set of lungs. Please watch over my Bess right now, give her the strength to get through loosing you. Her heart is completely broken and she looks so sad.

Weird things make me think of you.

Ok so this is silly, but I was making some bean salad to take to work last night and it made me miss you. It's weird how under normal circumstances making my lunch for work wouldn't mean anything, but now it does. About a week before you passed you told me you wanted me to make you some bean salad and bring it to you when I came home the following weekend. The last time I made bean salad I made it for you, but you never got to eat it. You took a turn for the worse and passed on Thursday, you didn't make it to the following weekend you were referring to.

Grief is a funny thing, why does something as goofy as bean salad make me sad?

I love you always, Grandpa Geesy

One of a kind

My grandpa Goose I miss you so
It's hard to let you go
No longer struggling with your breathing, in a better place I know
I miss your voice, I miss your smile, I miss your hugs, I miss your love
I miss your presence, being around you, visiting you at home
I miss our chats, hearing you say I love you just before I'd hang up the phone
I can't describe this hurt I feel, I miss my papaw, I want you here
I don't know how to stop thinking about you, this sadness wants to stay
28 years of my life has been with you in it and now you've been ripped away
I find it hard being happy because I miss you every day
Our family's slightly broken, slightly awkward without you here
You were the glue that held us all together so tightly through the years
You taught us all how to love and care, being close like families do
And all the love we know now is what we've learned from loving you
To see my Bess it makes me sad
And knowing I can't fix her pain just makes me mad
She knows we're here for her and taking care of her just like you'd want us to
And even though she knows she's loved, her heart, it breaks for you
I know it will get easier and my grief will get better over time
I'm thinking of you often, you are always on my mind.
Forever loved, never forgotten
You were the best papaw ever, you were one of a kind